yes. that's what i call myself now...

i just saw my conditional offer for medicine flying out the window. maths 1 and chemistry were killers. but ironically, eap and lit weren't that bad. it's my first time i finished eap, and for maths and chem, i was on time only. barely checked the paper. for chemistry, it's total screw-up!

i feel so stupid.

and i hate it when my mother, apparently, just have to emphasize that i cannot go into medicine because i screw up my exams. please lahh mum! don't you think i know it already?! think it would make me feel even more guilty? you know what?! you cannot make me more guilty. 'cause for your info, my guilt has reached its peak! you would be glad to know that, during the 3 hours chem paper, all i can think of is how i will/have disappoint you if i screw the paper up!

all this i have done is for you. and if you don't appreciate my hard work, late nights and the headaches and stress i get in the exam hall, i would just have to allow my Lord Jesus Christ to lead me wherever He wants me to go to.

i seriously cannot take the pressure anymore!

their expectations versus my desires. yeah... i knew it all along.

i will lose.

i have lost.

that's why now, i want to surrender everything to Him. i wish that He will change me. i really want to see what He has prepared for me. this is my new desire. and i know i'll win this war inside of me!

God bless you all